by Saturday, June 22nd, 2019 – Detroit City FC 3 FC Columbus 0
Why is it so fun to disparage Ohio?
What makes it feel so… right?
Some Michiganders might point to the transfer theft of Toledo in 1836 and posit that it resulted in a deep, inter-generational resentment between residents of the two states.
Others would bring up the generally appalling ways in which Michigan football fans have been treated in Columbus; archetypal incidents range from vandalism of cars with Michigan license plates to physical assault of old ladies, and the perennially-popular flinging of beer and/or bodily fluids in the general direction of anyone wearing blue or yellow.
I think it’s simpler than that. There’s an easy explanation as to why Ohio is so eminently hateable.
That, of course, is its geographic location (i.e. its uncomfortable closeness). If Ohio was a person, it would be someone who picks the seat right next to you in an otherwise empty movie theater, or an overzealous clothing store employee who just asked you for the third time in a five minute span if you need help finding anything.
On top of that, it’s oftentimes the place you need to go through to get to another, more desirable place; a big, flat, green expanse of not-a-whole-lot.
Hindering your efforts to get out of there are the absurdly low speed limits, coupled with the eternally under-construction I-75, modern America’s equivalent of a medieval cathedral, started by one generation in the hope that it will be completed by their great-great grandchildren.
It’s not all bad, though. Ohio is the source of many important things, such as barbells, lingerie, aerospace pioneers, and Detroit City victories.
With Saturday’s result, City’s all-time regular season record in the state moves to 8-1-1, the lone loss coming way back in 2012 at Cleveland.
They did it the way they’ve done all season, with soul-crushing defense and an unselfish attack that comes at you in waves and spreads the goals among several different scorers. By now other teams must have a pretty good idea of the approach City is going to take, but, other than Ann Arbor and Grand Rapids, none have been able to even tread water against them.
Judgment Weekend™ against those two teams looms on the horizon, but Toledo must be dealt with prior to that.
Mercifully, that match will take place in Hamtramck, but, once more, a little piece of Ohio stands between us and the place we’d like to be.
